Something about you
by Zeilya
Summary: Two or three years can certaingly broaden his perspective. He doesn't care now. But there's something about the way Kakashi moves...
1. Chapter 1

**Something about you**

There was no problem, really. All that could have been, wasn't, and that was that. A horrid past which could not be erased, an empty present with which nothing could be created… And a pretty dark future judging from all of it.

And that was the reason Sasuke sat staring emptily at his arm-bands, wondering how, oh, how had he allowed all those things to happen to himself and where, oh, where was that so-called god to help him when he really needed it.

And that was the reason he did not feel offended by how pale his skin was or how marvelously the girly looks set him in Kakashi's eye, because it was no use anyway, it was better if it was him using his body.

And those were the reasons Sasuke didn't even bother explaining to anyone what he really felt or what his fantasies and nightmares where, Kakashi included. And why he didn't bother trying to really make friends; because he knew his soul was so torn apart he just couldn't anymore. It was no use.

So he let Kakashi fuck him as hard as he wanted, whatever he liked. He didn't care if it was right or wrong, he didn't care if Kakashi really meant it when he said he loved him. He didn't care if the older man understood what love meant to him, he didn't bother explaining, demanding.

He didn't bother because that empty feeling he experienced while staring at his arm-bands was the most akin thing to peace he had ever experienced, and it was as good as it got, ever since innocence was lost.

Being the uncanny beauty he was, he knew the strong hold of possessing something beautiful could be much stronger than any warm feelings of love. He knew the only thing that could get Kakashi's ass moving was a threat to the fresh body of his lover being stolen away.

And that amused Sasuke slightly, so he toyed with it.

It hurt at times, true, making Kakashi jealous and having to pay for it with being ignored and ill-treated. But the small half-smile in his face would make it obvious to anyone that, for Sasuke, it was worth it.

He did train of course, did he train hard. Of course he wanted to be the strongest, since being the most lusted only left him with the feeling of frustration, the need of being smart and powerful that leaves the knowledge that he could get anything he wanted just out of his good looks.

The problem was that it repulsed him, what he generated on people. He was revolted by what beauty made in other men.

He had seen Kakashi, the oh so great copynin' begging to get off with his body. Sasuke had wanted to see that, true, but after it, he couldn't have the same respect for his teacher. Not after finding out he was just like everyone else, they just wanted to screw him, to come over his ever ice-cold skin, they wanted to look at him, to get him naked and have him suck them all over.

It was all people could think of when they were alone with him, Sasuke had already understood that long since.

He tugged at his right arm-band, the scars under it were only slightly visible now, after some years, but they were still too visible to have them exposed.

Kakashi had kissed his scars.

They all had. Even in the sound. The girls, the boys, the older men. Did they really think they would heal him in some way by kissing him? They looked so ridiculous when they performed those so-called love inspired actions that it revolted him.

The wind changed, and Sasuke's nose perked up.

He was sitting against a tree at the top of a hill, from where he could see the village. There was no much use in concealing himself from view in that spot, since he had to keep his chakra a little high in order for his fellow nins to know he was watching over.

Fulfilling his every responsibility. Paying for the sins he had committed in a past which seemed so distant now, only three years later. Sins which even from this perspective weren't as terrible as other saw them, actions that had been carried out when he was too young to distinguish between the shadows, right from wrong.

Now he could distinguish. Now he knew both things existed.

Now he didn't care.

But the dog-smell made itself more consistent, and so he had to recognize there was that one thing he cared about in life.

It was not Kakashi himself. Kakashi was not much more than his reputation, in fact, he was quite less than that.

No, it was not Kakashi himself. It was something about him.

Something about Kakashi that Sasuke could not quite place.

----

Working on the next chapter. There is bittersweet, wet sex, of course.


	2. Chapter 2

Don t do that, Sasuke insisted completely lacking any trace of conviction, as Kakashi rubbed more intensely his bulge against the small of the younger man s back. The real problem was the hot tongue against his ear, though. Running aaaall the way down his neck. Biting just to tease. And the damn smell.

Sasuke sighed and slowly began turning around, needing to meet the other man s mouth, needing that moistness against his .

You want everyone to see you, don t you? he purred against Kakashi s mouth in between licks and bites to his upper lip. You want everyone to know it is you fucking me, right and Sasuke smiled as he felt a shiver run all the way down his former teacher s back. He had asked in a hushed voice, against the neck he began to reveal, and Kakashi stopped him by grabbing his wrist.

Don t, he half moaned.

He kept doing that, sneaking around, surprising Sasuke, grabbing him from behind, working him up so that he would be all wet and hard and whining, and in that particular situation the exposed view of his lover had not stopped him.

It turned him on.

But well, everything turned Kakashi on. Specially when it involved Sasuke, and the younger boy completely took advantage of it, sometimes, unconsciously. He had only justn began to realize how he manipulated Kakashi with his own emotions.

For some reason, Sasuke was generally the one most in contact with their surroundings. He was the one to stop situations like these when they would arise in unappropiate ocasions. Kakashi, really, seemed like he didn't care at all about what might happen to him if people knew about them. Or well, maybe he was just so hot in his brains that he completely lost touch with his surroundings.

Almost without realizing about it, Sasuke made use of that one weapon that would always take Kakashi down immediately.

"Really, I..." and his voice lowered, got tainted with a painstaking saddness, "please, stop...?" and his shoulders slouched, and he could really feel the sadness taking over him, he could really feel the anguish on his chest.

This emotion didn't come as a consequence of something, it was as real as if it did, but it came to generate a consequence.

Kakashi instantly stopped, felt a chill down run his spine, his arousal forgotten. He was one of those adult males who practically lived for the well being of others. He just couldn't stand to witness other people's suffering, he had to compulsively do something about it.

He hugged Sasuke, instantly, comfortingly, not even becoming consciouss abou it. "Shhh... there, there..." he started, rubbing his younger lover's back comfortingly. "What is it...?" He almost didn't dare to ask. The threat that a terrible memory from the past had just emerged in Sasuke's mind, terrible images of abuse, of humilliation, of pain, started to constrict Kakashi's heart. He wanted his lover to heal so bad, so bad he would do anything to prevent him from suffering any longer. But he was always afraid of hearing what Sasuke had to say in situations like this.

The way Kakashi got around was burying his pain so deep inside himself that he could just practically forget about it. Some situations made him specially sensitive, true. Some special dated, some situations which made him remember. But he had learned a long time ago that no matter how hard he tried to process his feelings of loss and hurt, they would never go away. Connecting with his pain would always hurt, so he just kept it locked inside a trunk at the bottom of his counciousness. If he didn't get there and open it, memories were harmless. They didn't even arise, tipically, and he led a quite balanced life, living one day at a time, making his burden lighter every time he helped another human being.

For Kakashi, helping Sasuke cope with what had happened to him, was a healing experience. He wished he'd had someone by his side when Obito died. And in many other situations of his youth. He couldn't go back in time to take care of his young self, but he could help Sasuke, his beloved Sasuke, and then things would get better.

His young lover still hadn't learned to put all that darkness in a place where he could handle it. He dwelt in it constantly, probably because he was tormented by guilt, he still hadn't forgiven himself and so he felt, on a rather unconscious level, that he deserved the daily torment he was subjecting himself to. That was the explanation Kakashi found. He would stand by his young lover and support him for as long as he needed, and when he got well he would walk by his side and it would all be fine.

However, he wasn't considering that, as much as his explanation was probably part of the issue, there was also the tiny fact that Sasuke used his emotions, or more like it, the effect his emotions generated in others, to get his way.

This was, sadly, as unconsciouss as it was inadaptative. The cost of bringing up memories and feelings that made him want to break and cry was too high, but it was probably the only way he could bail from the following eight hours of boring vigilance at the top of that hill.

Sasuke's life had been like that since he was a kid. He had a strict, almost inhuman order of responsabilities, his parents and brother were invasive, he was taught that not feeling like doing something he was supposed to do was called lazyness, and lazyness was an onforgivable sin. Now, a part of Sasuke scolded him whenever he wanted to just do what he felt like doing. And so, he had never found himself. He didn't really know who he was or what he wanted. He was like a robot fulfilling orders.

There was, however, that one tiny exception. If we was feeling so sad, or so sick, that he couldn't effectively carry on what he was doing, he was excused from it. If he was seriously angry, people would leave him alone. If he was too fearful of doing something, he could pospone it. This feelings were never real per se, but he had to get to feel that way in order to do what he really wanted without feeling too guilty about it. And it was very complex, but that was the way he worked.

So he called up on memories of pain and agony, and Kakashi would say it was ok, they could go home and watch tv and eat ice cream and have sex in the tub. And he would be really gentle and do everything that pleased Sasuke more than anything, and after they would cuddle in bed and Kakashi would caress Sasuke lightly until he fell asleep. It was a good bargain after all. The worst part was, that if Kakashi would allow these little indulgences once in a while, without the need of Sasuke feeling bad -which he probably wouldn't-, Sasuke still didn't know how to effectively ask for them. And if he knew, he would still probably feel guilty about it, and not be able to enjoy it.

It was like he had learned duty was so important that pleasure was a distraction from it and therefore something that should be avoided. As if life were a race, and the only thing that mattered was wining it. To who? That was a mistery.

The rest of the afternoon proceded as it usually did when this mutual mechanism triggered. Sasuke started holding back hiw whimpers, Kakashi told him it was ok, let's go talk about it and took him home. Sasuke resisted, but let him. Kakashi would pamper Sasuke for the rest of the day, and they would fall asleep in a tight embrace. This outbursts Sasuke had always made them feel closer and added some sense of intimacy and tenderness to the relationship. The next day, everything would be soft and in harmony. It would be like pressing reset in their relationship, like a sunny morning over a wet, flowery field after an all-night storm. They would feel glad they were alive and together, and everything would go on like that, slowly falling into a rut that would be broken the same way, and everything would start over again.

What was different about this time, however, was that suddenly Kakashi became aware of it all. He sat down musing about it while Sasuke hummed in the shower. It had all just come down as a sudden realization. He knew he had to do something about it, all he could think of was 'there must be another way...'

A way that doesn't make him hurt so much, he sighed.

He huged Sasuke before he left, that day his shift started before the youth's. His young lover was feeling the best he would feel until after his next breakdown. He was obvlivious to this of course, for Sasuke the only time that existed was 'now', and that was absolute.

Kakashi concealed his worry. He knew he would find a better way, knew he would find the moment to share his thoughts with his Sasuke, but it still troubled him, finding out about the pointlesness of all that suffering, and having been a part of it for so long.

The conversation came up unexpected and harsher that he had thought, however.

Two or three days later, Sasuke was complaining, God knows about what series of things, upset for no present reason and so bringing back reasons of the past to be upset.

Kakashi watched, no longer held captive by his young lover's mechanism. He knew that probably all Sasuke wanted at the moment was either some time on his own, or comfort. Or maybe distraction. He didn't know how to ask for it of course, so he ranted, got angry, got sad, or provoked the older man sexually. It all depended on what he needed, each behaviour would ellicit an according response.

Kakashi sighed. He wished his younger lover could just ask for what he needed, but realized not even he knew what that was. He was so automatic in this, he couldn't help it.

However, he just waited a little.

When Sasuke started comparing his present situation to all the pain he had felt in the past, when his shoulders got a bit shaky, when the word 'Orochimaru' came out of his mouth in a shaky gasp, Kakashi knew what his lover wanted was comfort, just warmth, love, validation.

However, the image of his young lover's body and soul violated and tortured, had an effect on him he couldn't avoid. He knew Sasuke wanted comfort, but he started feeling angry, so angry... He didn't want to listen to that story again, he didn't want to think of that ever again. He wanted to make his lover feel better, but he also wanted to get away from him, get away from those thoughts, lock them in his trunk and get on with his life.

"Sasuke, would you stop?" he snapped, staring into his lovers eyes with intent.

Sasuke startled. Then responded in building anger. "Stop what?"

"Just... just stop. Stop bringing all that shit back, it happened, it's over, let it be! I'm tired of listening about it, I'm tired of seeing you live a miserable existance because you can't put those feeling behind you. They are good for nothing, do you understand? For nothing."

It came out not quite as he had wished it for, and he doubted Sasuke was in any condition to follow the complex train of thought that had led him to what he had just spat out.

"Right." Sasuke was shaky, he didn't see it coming, Kakashi never raised his voice to him, and now he was... "Forgive me then, if I've been through all that shit," sarcasm was at it's peak, Sasuke no longer cared if he was throwing himself into a carnige like fight, "forgive me for having been through all that shit, for it having been so fucking mind wrecking that I can't even get my thoughts straight since then, forgive me for feeling every day is torture and dragging you along with me," and at that point his voice turned cold. "You know where's the door. If you don't like it, leave."

And they stared at each other for a moment, just like that. Partially in fight stance. Kakashi didn't want this, all he knew was he didn't want all this. But he was angry, he was frustrated, he was tired of Sasuke's childish manipulations and threats. He was tired of getting hurt.

"Fine, you kick me out," he started. "And I could leave, but do you know what would happen if I left? You would break down as soon as I was out the door, you would spend three days crying your eyes out and cursing everything that ever lived, and being too proud to call," Sasuke winced. He knew it was true, he just didn't know what to do about it. His chest hurt, it was so heavy and it hurt so much. "And I would have to come over," Kakashi continued,"because I would be worried sick about your..." and he held back his insult, "about you. And it would break my heart, and it would be even worse when I saw you like a wreck, or with more cuts in your arms, or who knows what..." At that point Kakashi's eyes started to swell. Sasuke aimed at getting close to him, but Kakashi stepped back. It hurt. But he wasn't over yet.

"You think I didn't go through mind wrecking stuff too?" He started. "Shit, Sasuke, you *know* about most of the stuff I've been through," and his eyes and voice softened just a bit, his body stiff, "there's been so much pain in my life, horrible things and many of them I will never tell you," and Sasuke was about to interrupt, but Kakashi stopped him, "No, no, let me finish. I won't tell you because I don't want to dwell on those things any longer! I've understood, I've talked about it, I've healed, and I move on with my life! And *I* am the one who *decided* it was enough crying over the past. I decided to leave my past where it belongs, and that's why I'm able to love you, can't you see?" Anger turned into something warmer, Kakashi stepped closer to Sasuke, and cupped his chin. For a moment Sasuke looked like a little boy in tears, unable to move or talk.

Kakashi's tone softened, "Please, Sasuke, I'm asking you to get over it. You won't forget, I promise you, you won't betray them, you won't betray who you are or who you were... But you need to leave the past in the past. You need to start to discover life can be worth it," and he lifted the youth's chin to meet his eyes. Sasuke was scared. Not of Kakashi, but of the prospect of gaining faith and loosing it all over again. "Please Sasuke, at least try. For both of us. We deserve it, don't you think?" and he held his young lover, softly, "I think we have earned it..."

And Sasuke clasped his arms around the older man. and started to cry softly in his chest. Kakashi sighed, it was ok. It was Sasuke's way of showing he understood, that what had been said had reached him. There were so many things to change, so much to fix... but it was worth it, it totally was.

-  
I'd accompany this chapter with 'Precious', by Depeche Mode.


End file.
